Self Inflicted | Chapter 8

"His cheek had found its way into a deep embrace with the cool plastic tabletop and would not be interrupted by a doorbell nor by Yolanda’s cheerful conversation with five-year-old Rodney and his father."

Alexi felt jealous when Siya stopped below another tall pine tree and looked up. She ran her hand along its trunk and even tried to slip her nails in between the bark’s large scales to peel one out whole. She stayed turned away from him even after her attempt splintered into nothingness. The first time, Alexi hadn’t noticed for a few steps and found himself talking to no one. He listened to her explain how awesome the trees were, and agreed somewhat. Siya walked to the next tree, leaving Alexi to follow. She found something else of apparent interest and stared up at the branches. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes before, almost simply, turning away and continuing to walk along the sidewalk. “That's it?” Alexi thought, “In a breath she appreciated nature and in the same breath cast aside her reverie as though it were nothing?” Just like that. It was as if she, seemingly normal on all accounts, disappeared for a moment–in communion with this higher ideal, and then returned as though nothing were out of the ordinary. Over and over again she exhibited the behaviour that Alexi had once thought to himself as correct. But to actually live that way, to stoop and investigate every strange leaf, to close her eyes and listen in the middle of their conversations for the sound of the breeze, to remove her shoes and socks and walk with slow steps along the grass between the paved path and the curb… How is she doing it? Is it really so interesting? Is there nothing she needs to think about?

He had suggested they walk to Bahama Ices for a snow cone, mostly to get away from his mother, but also because it was where their old gang used to meet up after school. It was an objectively beautiful walk. The sun shone unfettered, a wind escaped from overtop a man-made lake, and birds freely chirped about worries unrelated to mating. In the fall the streets of their neighborhood would be littered with auburn pine needles, but today only occasional grass clippings covered the otherwise bright concrete.

“Maxamillion!” Siya cut the short line to greet her friend.
“Woah, hey! How are you! Long time no see!”
Their brief hug was interrupted by the boisterous lady behind the counter handing over two leaning towers of whipped cream dotted with crunchy and gummy toppings to Max and his friends, with all pomp and ceremony: “One snow-scream blueberry with double chocolate fudge and whipped cream– Yolanda style. That means with more cream than ice,” she winked at the group. “And one tropical green. You didn’t ask for it Yolanda style, but trust me guys, this is the way to enjoy a cone. The toppings are on me.”
“I’m putting all my trust in you,” Max’s lanky friend joked and took the cone in her right hand.
They took a bite, though their spoons did not make it past the cream.
“Well look how can it be bad, it's straight whipped cream.”
“MHMM! Listen, I’ve been working here a long time. Do you wanna eat frozen water or eat a real dessert– am I right?”
“This is Alexi by the way,” Siya introduced to Max, “He’s my brother’s friend.”
“Howdy! I’m Max.”
“Hey,” Alexi smiled back.
“Here try this flavour guys, it's actually so weird. It's almost leaning savory, but really good.” 
Yolanda didn’t let Max and his lanky gang leave the store without admitting that her way was indeed the best, and further that the flavours she recommended were as great as she suggested.

Siya and Alexi stepped up to the glass counter and looked down at the drums of syrups and toppings.
“Don’t even look up at the board,” Yolanda guided, “Just tell me what your favorite meal is and I will hook you up spiritually and culinarily.”
“Hmmm..” Siya couldn’t decide on an answer, so Alexi offered his own, “100% Mac and Cheese.”
“OOOOOOH That's a good answer,” Yolanda exclaimed and straight away grabbed an array of tinctures and turned to fill up a cup with ground ice.
“What flavour could she possibly make from Mac and Cheese?”
“Maybe it’s just inspired by it, like maybe it's yellow,” Alexi suggested.
“No, sir,” the alchemist piped in, “Mac and cheese means you like comfort– you like to indulge in something a little unhealthy, and you like it real soft. I’m gonna layer the cream and shaved ice for you, so your spoon will feel like it's going through something soft instead of digging through something hard!”
“Wow! And will you top it off Yolanda style? Like you did with the other guys?”
“No way. That's not a one-size-fits-all solution, you’re getting something a little more delicate, a little more refined.”

Alexi and Siya sat on hard metal chairs beside each other, accompanied by square tables with a vibrant turquoise top, the brand color of Bahama Ices. They shared the macaroni-inspired dessert with two spoons. Alexi motioned for them to sit on the side of the table that faced the cash register, so that they could keep watching Yolanda work. She was an enchanting saleswoman, and Alexi and Siya were curious about how she would handle the group that came in behind them.
“Interesting, she didn’t ask them about their favorite meal, just let them choose something from the board.”
“I mean, they look a little more serious I guess. She like changed her approach with them when they didn’t respond to her first greetings warmly.”
“Yeah,” Alexi laughed, “they just didn’t react to her joke and she said bet won’t try that again.”
The Asian couple appeared more serious indeed. The man was tall with a severe face, and the thin woman didn’t say a word. She just pointed and let her partner express her desires to the ice artist. They looked out of place in their matching dark trench coats amidst the flamboyant colors of Bahama Ices' aesthetic.

“Isn’t that sad though,” Alexi remarked with a mouth partially filled with snow, “because they weren’t open, or maybe more like they weren’t instantly open, they don’t get to connect with Yolanda or like experience that whole interaction.”
“I don’t think that's sad.”
“What do you mean, they miss out on like human connection or whatever?”
“I mean, it's kind of a random sample you’re taking. Maybe they aren’t in the mood right now. Or maybe their personalities as they are afford them some other luxury or like acceptance with a different, I don’t know, business-casual crowd.”
“But surely it would be better to experience this joy and those other joys they get by being all dour.”
“What do you mean by better?” Siya asked with a sly smile.
“What do you mean by mean?” Alexi mocked back, bursting in laughter with Siya at the reference to a YouTube video their whole friend group used to quote at the beginning, and middle– and it was a good way to end too– of their many debates.
“No, but really! Why does it matter if you get Yolanda to like you or not?”
“Yolanda loves us, I think. Or at least we are closer than they were…” Alexi lowered his voice as the couple passed by to exit, “And we got to feel that love and they didn’t.”
“What if to them, it wouldn’t be felt as love but like annoying to have to go through this song and dance when they just want a simple snow cone?”
“Then they miss out in yet another way, in that they fail to find love where there is love to be found.”
“There’s that Wuthering Heights quote or maybe Jane Austen that goes like, ‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would’ umm…. like ‘cease to be’ or something. Basically, what does he need of Yolanda’s love? He’s out about town with his girl; Life’s good!”
Alexi leaned back in his chair and sighed, unsure about how to explain that something still felt wrong about that setup. Siya let the conversation lull and lifted the cup to get better leverage on the final couple bites of the cone.

“What a trip,” Alexi thought to himself about Siya. It was weird to see her, first of all, after seven years, and what formative years they must have been! And second of all, it was weird to see her without Tanooj.
“It's kinda cool that this doesn’t feel awkward.”
“Do you normally feel awkward talking to people you haven’t for a while?”
Siya is really different, Alexi thought to himself again. She’s so much more relaxed, or even like alpha.
“I mean I guess I just didn’t know how it would go, we didn’t really hang that much one-on-one, even back then.”
“Yeah. I also haven’t been able to come see y'all in New York this whole time, it really has been a while,” she said warmly, looking directly into Alexi’s eyes.
Alexi looked away.
“If you wanted to... you’ve got to make it out soon before Tanooj leaves.”
“Oh man, yeah, that was a shock for everyone! Dad literally started crying, and he NEVER cries.”
“Wow. Your dad always wanted Tanooj to go on with further education.”
“Yeah, it's one of those immigrant fallacies where you think all you need to succeed is just to get yet another degree,” Siya laughed.
Alexi felt a soreness in his shoulders and dropped them away from his ears.
“I was pretty shocked to hear him say he got into Oxford. Like he never mentioned applying to anything after realizing he couldn’t get into law school without a degree. And then to get into Oxford, no less, is like insane,” Alexi continued.
“He didn’t even tell us that he was trying to get into law school. Anytime our aunt would ask him about what he’s planning to do next he would just say ‘Hmm... well right now my plan is to marry rich!’”
“Honestly, I am shocked he took such decisive action after the rejections from law schools. Like, this is crazy, he’s gonna commit to four-plus years in pursuit of law after that? That doesn’t even make sense for Tanooj...”
“That's why he’s going the England route, it's like half as many years to become a lawyer. But totally, he’s never been this serious about anything, definitely not anything that required looking forward a few months in advance,” Siya laughed on her own again. Her old friend grew quiet.

Alexi missed the pleasant jingle that played when a new customer and a child came into the store. His cheek had found its way into a deep embrace with the cool plastic tabletop and would not be interrupted by a doorbell nor by Yolanda’s cheerful conversation with five-year-old Rodney and his father. The ice machine and Siya’s joyful question of “Are you enjoying sniffing the table?” too missed his ears. Alexi had closed his eyes and for a short minute disappeared into the war-torn territory of Amygdala. He rose suddenly and lurched into Siya’s airspace.

“Drive with me back to New York.”
“What?”
“I gotta go back. Why don’t we drive there? You can come meet your brother too.”
“Did you book your flight one-way?”
“What? No, but I think driving there will change things, like there will be some adventure along the way.”
“Change what? Why do you assume it won't just be like 20 hours of podcasts and bad fast food?”
“It will be awesome! Join me!”
Siya couldn’t tell if this feverish kid was acting strange, or if this was just the kind of person he had become in their years of not knowing each other. She didn’t scoot her chair back nor pull away from Alexi’s pleading grasp.
“Where will you park the car in New York?”
“What?”
“You’re gonna end up having a car in New York if you drive there. What will you do with it once it's there?”
Alexi sat up straight.
“Who cares what happens to the car?”
“Your parents will, it's gonna be hundreds of dollars just to park it somewhere. And then how am I going to get back? I’ll need to get a plane ticket.”
Alexi scrunched his face in an expression of real confusion.
“Huh? We can just get a plane ticket? You would need one anyway if you were visiting your brother, right?”
“Technically correct, but it's pretty expensive, especially to buy it so close to the departure date.”
“Look, really. None of the things you are saying are real problems. They are all just things to consider, but also those are all things to consider after we get there. After the adventure we would have had on the way there. And you are right. I am happy to concede that I can’t guarantee it would be super worthwhile or awesome– but any number of things can happen if we go: me and you would get closer, the car might break down, we might run into an old man at an inn, we could save a deer that had gotten hit by another car and nurse it back to health, like literally anything could happen.”
Siya was curious about Alexi’s philosophy. Tanooj had told her he was really sad recently, but this felt different than melancholy. There was something really striking about his desperation. She stayed silent, certain that Alexi would add more.
“Think about it,” Alexi continued, “If you just do what you have always done, your life will go as it always has. But if you do something different, then something different will happen.”
“But different doesn’t always mean good. Like this decision to drive could also lead to a car accident.”
“Yes, I see what you are getting at,” Alexi leaned back and pondered the idea. He almost comically stroked his chin and spoke looking not at Siya but up at the clouds that would be visible were there not Bahama Ices' drop ceiling in the way, 
“Totally. It's not true that things will get better if you just take random actions.”
“For sure,” Siya agreed.
“In fact, I tried that for a while. I just took random actions. I don’t even like mac and cheese, for example, but anyway things do not seem to have meaningfully changed from small decisions. Bigger decisions would certainly change things more than small ones, but like you said, change might not be positive.”
“YOU DON’T LIKE MAC AND CHEESE?”
“But you know, actually this decision is not random. It's like aligned with the type of life I want to live. I want to center my life on other people and getting closer to you is something that would push me towards that, right? And like I want to be more adventurous and I want to be better in social situations so this could be a story. Like there's a lot of ways in which this decision pushes me not just in a random direction, but forward. But instead of a small step towards that potential future self, I can choose to take a big step. A leap. By doing something I wouldn’t normally do. Like I can just do something someone else would do or something no one would even–”
“Bro, pause, Mac and Cheese. You just said that to like try and see what would happen?”
“What?”
“You said you chose mac and cheese randomly.”
“Yeah, I did, I just said a food that I thought she wouldn't have expected.”
“That's hilarious.”

“So what do you say, let's drive to New York?”
“Honestly, I have work tomorrow.”
“Damn.”

Three months ago, Alexi bought the luxurious orange leather duffel bag resting on the ground between his feet. He had watched an old Hugh Grant film and felt drawn the main character’s effortless aesthetic. He was elegant and British and wore textured jumpers and clean-pressed dress pants and strode around the city not with a juvenile backpack like Alexi had been, but with a mature leather duffel. Now, he waddled forward when space opened in the airport’s TSA screening line, kicking the heavy and awkward to carry duffel forward along with him. Alexi swiped back and forth between the pages on his iPhone’s home screen looking at the list of apps with no purpose. He opened his email and then closed it and opened his messaging app and saw no new texts. He scrolled up and down at the 37 unread messages from various people and then closed the app and waddled forward a little more. He had finally responded to their apartment group chat saying “What's popping, I'm on my way back.” But didn’t respond to the following series of stickers and gifs sent of Finding Nemo or their favorite, the larger fellow from the TV show Lost. He was too busy calculating how he should live. Technically he would have to go to work tomorrow, which really meant he would have to work once he got home. But what if he just didn’t? He could easily just decide to quit. He could wake up at 4 am and finally start taking his dreams seriously. Like he just had to lock in. If I just locked in then things would fall into place. Siya didn’t understand that.